I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.