John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.