Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..