CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”