Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?