It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.