When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids