Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Quartzjixler's best tweets

@Quartzjixler : I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.

@Quartzjixler: I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

@Quartzjixler: Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms--I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.

@Quartzjixler: Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

@Quartzjixler: "I didn't go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting" I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO's coffee pot.

@Quartzjixler: I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

@Quartzjixler: Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell 'SOS' with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I'm a vegan.

@Quartzjixler: Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name--screw you. I'm calling you what I've been calling you for the last 10 years.