Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices