Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Harsh but fair
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*