DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
S O O N
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners