Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
This cat wants you to take your pills
How to find Kentucky on a map
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it