Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!