Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
When you don’t understand how floors work
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.