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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
who wore it better?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.