@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they're all wood
@QwertyJones3: PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun...
@QwertyJones3: [during sex]
ME: I'm Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.
@QwertyJones3: We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology.
"How about Radio Shack?"
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating]
HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please