Funny Tweeter

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Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : [during sex] ME: I'm Italian, how about you? HER: Finnish ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.

@QwertyJones3: We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology.

"How about Radio Shack?"

Perfect.

@QwertyJones3: [speed dating]

HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom

@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

"They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."

@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

@QwertyJones3: Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@QwertyJones3: INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men's Wearhou

*I've already changed his pants*