@QwertyJones3: ME: I have an announcement... I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
@QwertyJones3: WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that's normal right?
@QwertyJones3: NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
@QwertyJones3: BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it's made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
@QwertyJones3: COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.
COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn't listen
@QwertyJones3: Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@QwertyJones3: Oh, you pronounce pecan like "puh kahn"? I always pronounced it "pee can". Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that's what your husband choked on.
@QwertyJones3: Why did they call it "All Dogs Go To Heaven" and not "Hell Hath No Furry"?