@QwertyJones3: ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I'm not sure
@QwertyJones3: You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
@QwertyJones3: BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they're all wood
@QwertyJones3: PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun...
@QwertyJones3: [during sex]
ME: I'm Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.