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Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@QwertyJones3: INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men's Wearhou

*I've already changed his pants*

@QwertyJones3: [group therapy]

"I always feel unnoticed"

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It's like we're all soulmates

@QwertyJones3: "Dog Detective, how can I help you?"

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN'T FIND IT

"Did you check his hand?"

NO HE THREW IT ALR... oh wait

@QwertyJones3: HER: I'll only agree to do nudity if it's done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

@QwertyJones3: GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I'm gross?

"Hygiene"

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

@QwertyJones3: [College admissions office]

"Sorry sir you can't transfer your street cred for college credits"

ME: that's wack

@QwertyJones3: [leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

@QwertyJones3: What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I'm going to grant this divorce