@QwertyJones3: Oh, you pronounce pecan like "puh kahn"? I always pronounced it "pee can". Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that's what your husband choked on.
@QwertyJones3: Why did they call it "All Dogs Go To Heaven" and not "Hell Hath No Furry"?
@QwertyJones3: [Speed dating]
HER: I'm really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
@QwertyJones3: HER: I'm a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
@QwertyJones3: ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I'm not sure
@QwertyJones3: You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
@QwertyJones3: BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they're all wood