@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.
@QwertyJones3: We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology.
"How about Radio Shack?"
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating]
HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
"They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."
@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
@QwertyJones3: Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
@QwertyJones3: INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men's Wearhou
*I've already changed his pants*