@QwertyJones3: [speed dating]
HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
"They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."
@QwertyJones3: MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
@QwertyJones3: Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
@QwertyJones3: INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men's Wearhou
*I've already changed his pants*
@QwertyJones3: [group therapy]
"I always feel unnoticed"
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It's like we're all soulmates
@QwertyJones3: "Dog Detective, how can I help you?"
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN'T FIND IT
"Did you check his hand?"
NO HE THREW IT ALR... oh wait
@QwertyJones3: HER: I'll only agree to do nudity if it's done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows