Funny Tweeter

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Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : It's okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

@QwertyJones3: Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It's just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You're fired.

@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@QwertyJones3: GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won't eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

@QwertyJones3: Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

@QwertyJones3: How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@QwertyJones3: ME: I have an announcement... I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@QwertyJones3: WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that's normal right?

@QwertyJones3: NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

@QwertyJones3: BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it's made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!