Funny Tweeter

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Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : HER: I'm a member of my local Rotary Club. ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

@QwertyJones3: ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I'm not sure

@QwertyJones3: You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@QwertyJones3: BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they're all wood

@QwertyJones3: "I'm in love with the shape of ewe."

-Ed, shearing

@QwertyJones3: PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun...

@QwertyJones3: [during sex]

ME: I'm Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me


@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.