@QwertyJones3: "Dog Detective, how can I help you?"
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN'T FIND IT
"Did you check his hand?"
NO HE THREW IT ALR... oh wait
@QwertyJones3: HER: I'll only agree to do nudity if it's done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
@QwertyJones3: GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I'm gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
@QwertyJones3: [College admissions office]
"Sorry sir you can't transfer your street cred for college credits"
ME: that's wack
@QwertyJones3: [leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
@QwertyJones3: What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I'm going to grant this divorce
@QwertyJones3: [First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
@QwertyJones3: [first date]
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no