Funny Tweeter

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Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record [2 wks later] ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they're all wood

@QwertyJones3: "I'm in love with the shape of ewe."

-Ed, shearing

@QwertyJones3: PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun...

@QwertyJones3: [during sex]

ME: I'm Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@QwertyJones3: GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I'm naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

@QwertyJones3: Sir, I see that you spelled "résumé" with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you're just too fancy to work here at Popeye's Chicken.

@QwertyJones3: We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology.

"How about Radio Shack?"

Perfect.

@QwertyJones3: [speed dating]

HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom

@QwertyJones3: One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please