Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of QwertyJones3's best tweets

@QwertyJones3 : How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@QwertyJones3: ME: I have an announcement... I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@QwertyJones3: WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that's normal right?

@QwertyJones3: NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

@QwertyJones3: BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it's made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@QwertyJones3: COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn't listen

@QwertyJones3: Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@QwertyJones3: Oh, you pronounce pecan like "puh kahn"? I always pronounced it "pee can". Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that's what your husband choked on.

@QwertyJones3: My current wife doesn't like when I call her that

@QwertyJones3: Why did they call it "All Dogs Go To Heaven" and not "Hell Hath No Furry"?