@QwertyJones3: Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It's just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You're fired.
@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
@QwertyJones3: GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won't eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
@QwertyJones3: Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
@QwertyJones3: ME: I have an announcement... I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
@QwertyJones3: WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that's normal right?
@QwertyJones3: NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
@QwertyJones3: BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it's made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!