My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
This is my emotional support knife.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!