Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads