*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example