[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.