ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
U talkin 2 me?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”