Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.