Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks