4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.