Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text