The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?