Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RamblingMachine's best tweets

@RamblingMachine : The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

@RamblingMachine: Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.

@RamblingMachine: You know what's sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn't drink the poison

@RamblingMachine: I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled "the meaning of dreams".

@RamblingMachine: My crush said we can't be together because he's seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

@RamblingMachine: Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where's the logic?

@RamblingMachine: A truck with the slogan "We always go the extra mile" took the last parking spot so I wrote on it "because we missed the exit" as a revenge.

@RamblingMachine: My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.

@RamblingMachine: If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.

@RamblingMachine: You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?