the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
They’re called werewolves.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.