Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RandomAntics's best tweets

@RandomAntics : He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@RandomAntics: Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it'd be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

@RandomAntics: as a kid, there really wasn't anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

@RandomAntics: The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@RandomAntics: I'm told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn't wear certain things anymore - like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@RandomAntics: gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

@RandomAntics: Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

@RandomAntics: Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

@RandomAntics: Maybe being fat isn't bad, it just sounds awful because we say 'morbidly obese'. Let's switch it to 'cheerfully obese' and see what happens.

@RandomAntics: Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'?

Woman: Yes! No!