Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
prepare for carbonated trouble
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I can also cook 😂
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.