wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”