awesome draft from months ago i just found
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all