Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?