Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
thank god the sign was there
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]