Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.