*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)