Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
what are they serving at kfc then???