Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Girl, same.
😩😩😩
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus