Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
What?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”