My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Home is where your toilet is.