I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
What kind of a cult is this?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.