I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My dryer is celebrating lint.