My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
May have had one breakfast too many
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy