My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.