you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You Might Also Like
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven