I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie