She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?