CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Welcome
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
man: wait
time: no
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*