Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Google assistant rules
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper