Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
i’m still crying at this
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?