Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
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The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
it be like that
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
🤭😂
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period