My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
lmfao
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.